Momma Hunt
I know its been like 1000 years since I posted but I have been really focusing on myself and my family lately.  I have started a new fitness program that I share more about hopefully later in the week.  This past Saturday was my birthday.  During the end of March I have found that I struggle a bit with missing my Dad.  I was so spoiled that I really miss that-I remember one year I was worried about going somewhere because not everyone would like it-his reply "Screw them-its your birthday you do what you want".    Miss J has her birthday a few days after mine.  My dad worshiped her....There is no way he would ever miss my birthday let alone his baby girls.  It also makes me realize how much he has missed.  This will be the third year he isn't here.  We are getting to the point that she is fastly approaching the time that she will have had more birthday's without him then she had with---that is hard for me to begin to wrap my mind around.  

My birthday was good-I took a quilting class about English Paper Piecing-Here is a great website and video about it. It was a wonderful morning learning this new skill.  Then we headed back to the house and went off to lunch at my favorite Chinese place.  I almost cancelled lunch because our beloved dog biscuit may need surgery and I didn't really want to spend the money but my husband insisted and I was thankful that he did.  Then we headed back for cake and gifts.  I got lots of fun stuff including a new quilt kit and a few nice shirts and some make-up.  It was a nice day.  

Now it is about moving forward.  For the past two months I have been working on incorporating fitness into my life-but now I am going to really try and focus on my nutrition.  I may look into going to see a nutritionist and I am working on a container eating system and recording my calories.   I want to really work on getting as healthy as possible and for the first time in a long time I really feel that this is possible.  I am thankful that as I move into my 37th year things seem much more positive.  

Momma Hunt

Well the plague has befallen our house.  Now I don't mean the really scary plague of stomach flu which is really what I fear most in this world.   This past Sunday Dylan wasn't feeling so great and he was running a little bit of a fever I just had a gut instinct that something was wrong so I decided to take him to the walk in.  Well they did a quick throat culture to rule out strep throat and sure enough it came back positive.  So he had to stay home the next day and while at work I just wasn't feeling great-by the time I got home from work I really felt crappy and was worried I also had strep.  So I dropped J off at dance and swung into the walk in...and my test came back positive.  By the time I got home I felt worst I have felt in years!  So Dylan stayed home with me on Tuesdayand that was rough because I just really needed to be outright in bed but couldn't be because he was home.  Well next day I am still feeling horrific and now J has a little fever so since there was impending doom coming in terms weather I took them both to the dr.  Dylan because he still have a fever and J because she was starting one and I wanted her to check.  Well thankfully Dylan was just finishing getting better and J did not have strep.  We were all home Thursday and Friday because of snow days.  So it has been good because I needed the time to recover but bad because it has been super stressful being home together this much with me not feeling well.  Those of you who are parents how do you handle it when you are sick and your family still needs you?
Momma Hunt
 So I was going strong with me for several weeks.  Well until the tragic stabbing that I mentioned in my last post.  I was going strong-going out in the bad weather, the cold, and the good weather too,  The dogs were loving it it big time-one mile walks every day.  I was loving it.  So I tried to get back into a few days after the stiches but I honestly gave up.  All in all I did about 222 miles in the month and I am proud of that.  I also signed on with a new fitness venture that I will talk about later.  I am both proud and upset about how it turned out.  I promised myself I wouldn't beat myself up over what happened.  I did realize that I like getting outside even in the cold.  To clear my head take a few minutes outside.  I don't know that I would make a big statement to say I will do it every day but I am going to try and get outside when I can.  I also really want to try running time line on that I just want to get back to it.  Maybe this summer for a 5k in the fall again.  We will see.  Did you have any big January goals that didn't go as well as I planned?  

Momma Hunt
So in classic "this is my life" fashion.....there was a tragic accident two weeks ago at work.  The end result five stiches and a bandage that I still wear to cover up the carnage of my finger...why because it looks horrendous.  It honestly took me so long to type about it because it is a super pain to not be able to type with your right index finger!!  So here goes on my tragic tail....God I wish it was a better story

So over the long MLK weekend I asked Ryan to pick me up a small knife to keep in my bag so I could slice apples or cut meat in my lunch (I am vehemently against sandwiches).  So at lunch on Tuesday I cut the top of the hard plastic package that the knife is in.  The knife I thought was in its sheath....well I sadly guessed wrong.  As I pulled the two sides of the plastic package apart to get the knife opened quick and the knife slashed hard into my right index finger.  I quickly grabbed a klenex and applied pressure I thought it was no big thing...A small flesh wound/paper cut type thing.  Well after a minute I get brave enough to look and realized nope this looked bigger and hurt a lot.  So lucky enough we have trained medial staff on hand so I zipped down to the nurse after asking a teacher to cover my class when they got back back from lunch.  The nurse carefully unwrapped the kleenix took one look and was like 'umm you are going to need to get this looked at" I asked..oh to get some glue...her reply..."um no you are probably going to need stiches to close this.  So I asked if should could bandage it and could it wait till after school for me to get it taken care of.  She said no I needed to go now.  So I said ok....well let me get my stuff and I will head to the walk in by my house.  Her reply "You can't drive you need to keep pressure on this and keep it above your heart"  that is when I knew I had done one hell of a number on my hand.  

So as if the cut wasn't bad enough I had to have the security van and school security officer drive me to a walk in where the doctor confirmed I clearly was a nut job and can't open thing and gave me a shot of lidocain in my finger that may have hurt worse then giving birth (ok lets be real after 8 hours I had an epidural so probably worse) then stiched me up and sent me on my way.  

Let's just say now it is funny but having my right hand bansaged for several days was a super pain and even now two weeks later it still hurts and has some nerve damage.  I wish I had some glamours story to tell about breaking up a knife fight at school or something cool.  But nope I was trying to eat healthy and accidentally stabbed myself. There is one sort comforting thing...I am totally my fathers daughter----he always did crazy stupid stuff like this.  It doesn't make the finger better but does bring me comfort.

I would post a pic but I don't want to gross out the readership1  

Momma Hunt
So post christmas my weight watchers leader posted a challenge that the local running shop was offering.  It was to sign up for a different kind of "race".  You signed up and committed to walking outside every day in January.  Well in the end of December when the weather was oddly warm a balmy 45-50 every day this sounded like a good idea.  So I signed up.  Why....well why not.  It would get me walking everyday and outside.  I also figured it would be a good way to get my started to get more fitness in.  I haven't been working out and feeling miserable to be frank.  So even if that is all I do its a step in the right direction.  Well it was all fun and games until it got cold, and then cold and rainy, then cold and snowy.  As of one week in and I have walked the rain, the snow, and the cold...oh and a few nice days too!  Some photographic proof-because hey if there isn't a selfie it didn't happen right!
My walking partners in crime-expect in the really bad weather they hated it

We had to do sweaters because it was too cold without 

This is from yesterday when I waited too long to walk I had to walk in a the full blown blizzard 

On the day it was a downpour-at least my jacket is somewhat waterproof.  

So far I have loved this-especially yesterday in the snow finishing my walk.  Although it was cold I felt sort of connected to my dad who loved winter.  He never minded the cold weather and I have this image of him coming in from snowblowing and shoveling looking some sort of Yeti all covered in snow.  He would get out of his wet clothes, sit by the fire, and enjoy the winter.  I also have many memories of him just staring out my parents big picture watching the snow...he loved it.  So when I am out thier freezing my biscuits off (mine not my dog who is also named biscuit) I have fond memories to keep me going.  
Momma Hunt
So every year I set lofty goals for myself but never really do much with that...but shit I am an optimist so why hell not!  Just kidding.....well not really I really feel that need to set some good goals for myself and actually work on achieving them.  Part of my reason for this is in the last few months although my anxiety is high I have sort of felt the fog of grief starting to lift.  My therapist who I worked with right after my dad died said her patients often comment that with grief they feel like they are walking around half asleep for months or even years as they figure out this new life without the person they love.  For me it was sort of this double whammy of loosing my dad, my kids loosing their hero, and having to grow up all at once. It was and still is a lot.  But lately I have been noticing that I am not as shell shocked.  I can talk about my dad and not have it crush me, the holidays were not as devestatingly sad.  I am also realizing that I have put a few things on the back burner for these last two years.  A lot of that is myself care and taking good care of me, of taking time with my husband and realizing that he is more than that guy who lives in the house, and taking time to cultivate relationships other than my family.  I think it was hard for me and my heart to even interact with people-sometimes it still is.  As if pleasure and joy sometimes were too much.  Happiness was too much.  Frankly I wanted to be sad and pissed off and angry and miserable.  Sometimes I still do.  Yet, I realized I need to work on not letting myself and my life get sucked in to that not good place.  There is too much beauty and joy to just be existing to just be getting by.  That is what I have really felt for the last two years....that I was surviving.  I say it like its a horrible thing....its not.  I survived, my kids survived, for the most part my relationships survived.  I know I have been harder to be around, harder to love, harder to like.  I am harsher and more critical.  My best qualities of being funny, and kind, and joyful have been muted and often still are.  Shout out to my friends and especially Ryan for patiently hanging on during this wild ride I have been on.  I often realized at the end of the day I was too tired from "surviving" to give my friends or my husband much of anything (I also know this is a problem of all mothers).  I know that in friendship and certainly in marriage there are ebbs and flows-that doesn't make them easy.  I know for Ryan it has been hard to see me like this and not really "fix" what was wrong all while trying to maintain his own mental health.  He, like most people who struggle with mental illness,  have a hard time being around others who are mentally unwell.  He has stood by as I sorted out how to move forward in this new dadless world I was thrown into.

So anywho...enough musings on where I have been.  I want to think about the future.  I know some people are concerned with what will happen with our government in the upcoming year. For me I choose to bring light into the world first with my own family and then in my classroom.  I will worry about the US and the World when I need to.  

So my goals for 2017

1.  I need to get my eating and weight in check.  I plan to head to my dr to talk about on going stomach issues and request to see a dietician for that and help with my eating.  My goal is 52 pounds by Dec 31 of next year.  More than that I just to be eating better so I am not sick all the time

2.  I want to commit to a bit of self care everyday.   That means exercising, or meditation, or journaling at least 20min every day.  I need it for my mental health and I need it to continue to be a good mom and wife

3.  I want to do one family adventure with kids every month that doesn't not involve screens.  So although I have loved our movie binge of the last few weeks I want non-screen fun with the family

4.  I want to walk or jog a total of 217 miles this year

5.  I want to make at least 5 quilts this year-at least one for me to keep

6.  I want to do one thing for me each month.  Go out with a friend, go out alone, something that is just for me.  

7.  I want to do something special with Ryan once a month....either a date night or something fun once the kids go to this isn't secret code for anything.  I just feel like our relationship has taken a back burner to everything and some day its just going to be the two of us and I would still like to make sure we like each other when that happens.  

I am hoping to get back into blogging a bit more and keep track of these goals....I think as the goals slip from my mind then they get forgotten.  So I am hoping for a good 2017-How about you?  What are you goals for the year? 

Momma Hunt
So I have been away from this place-my place for a long time.  Somtimes that is because I am busy, sometimes its because I don't have much to talk about, sometimes is because I don't know what to say.  The last few months have been busy being a mom, taking the kids to activities, and doing all the things that come with being a teacher and a wife.  The two year anniversary of my dad's death came and went and although I thought I was ok...I am starting to realize that maybe I wasn't as good as I thought.  From Mid October till now with all the holidays are stressful for most people but add to this my navigating these holidays and milestones without my dad is an odd thing.  I have found that this holiday season...the third one....has been a lot easier.  I was able to handle the ebb and flow of the emotions a bit better but this year more than the others the kids have really been missing my dad which takes on a whole new special kind of hard.  What I started to realize a few weeks ago was that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety.  For me it comes on fixating on things.  Silly things. Most often that anxiety comes with worrying over money or questioning myself.  What I noticed was it was getting worse. I started worrying about the cracks in the floor-that there was something wrong with our house.  I started to obsess over health related stuff.  Silly stuff like there was something wrong with that I hadn't gotten my period in months-The normal explanation was that its the pill im brain on anxiety---I am totally pregnant with a miracle baby (I am on the pill for my cycle and Ryan had the snip snip years ago).  I question why someone doesn't text....are they mad at me, do they not like me, is our friendship ending.  Really reason everyone is busy with their shit!  

I hate that I get this way.  I hate how I get upset over things that don't need to be upset over. Rather than come up with new things to do or think about....I am stewing over and over again over the same crap. I know this is anxiety.  I tried doing a hypnosis for anxiety-that seemed to work but then I stopped doing it.  I think I need to try again.    I also think I need to begin exercising more....or lets be real at all.  I know in theory that these things should help but sometimes I am so exhuasted from work and the kids that all I can do is be a blob. Being that blob has taken its toll.  I am not really any where close to my health goals and that makes me sad.  I am sad that I allow my brain and this anxiety to get the best of me.  I think what I hate the most is that it makes me doubt myself, my healthy, my happiness, and my relationships with others.  I am always questioning and worrying and then I wonder why I got so sick right before Christmas.  I am stressing myself out for no reason.  

I think that my goal for the New Year is going to be try and be more calm in the upcoming weeks. I will try and take better care of myself.  I also decided that if this doesn't settle down in the next few weeks that I will probably ask my doctor about it because normally my anxiety isn't this bad for that long.  One little step at a time towards health is my goal.  What are your goals for the upcoming year?