I was feeling a lot of pressure to review things (which don't get me wrong I love to do) but that may have to be a summer thing or maybe only the choicest of books. I found myself reading lots of books not because I really wanted to but for reviews. I would feel guilt that I wasn't reading enough instead of reading what I wanted.
I also felt....I don't know some need to be better at weight loss etc. I loved being a Mamavation Mom but I felt it set something off in my brain that had be silent for a long time. That voice in my head that said I needed to be perfect, that I needed to be a specific something. I was ashamed to admit that I slipped back into bad habits. Binge eating. It has been a hell of a ride this year and I didn't really know what else to do so I self medicated and it led to being 20 pounds heavier then I was at the end of my Mamavation campaign (mind you I put about 7 of that back on over the course of the summer-but 15 of that came this school year). I am pissed about it/upset about it. Yet, instead of making positive changes and moving forward I was dancing around the topic on here, not being real. I was also continuously beating myself up about it which only led to more unhealthy behaviors.
To me the worst part of the last year (My mamavation campaign ended in early june last year) isn't those 20 pounds but the fact that I lost sight of me. The me who laughs and has fun. The me who is laser focused on what is important things like love, happiness, family, and friends. I lost that along the way and just needed to be away. I took a lot of time over the past few weeks, even before I pulled the plug on blogging, thinking about how to get back to me. When I get like this I push a lot of people way because it is easier to put up a fake facade then really be me. It is easier to not call or text my best friend because I don't want to keep talking about how shitty things have been (although I know she would always listen because she is an amazing friend). Its hard to admit that sometimes your life is out of control despite your best efforts to make it ok. I like to make it look like I always have it together but fall and winter were really rough with work and my son....it burnt me out. I have spent the last few weeks focused on getting me back. Taking back control and I not only have found myself in a better place...I realized yet again that pretending all is well really don't serve me to well.
Despite some time "finding me"-which is a lame ass term by the way. I realized I missed this place. I missed what it was originally for. It was meant to be a space to to be truly me. The good, the bad, the imperfect me along with the beautiful, funny, foul mouthed, princess that I am.
So I think I am back but with a few changes or perhaps more of a getting back to me. To talking about the shit that annoys me, for ranting all emo about my shitty weight issues, and blogging about the good things in my life. My kids, my friends, my family, and all those creative endeavors and awesome books I love so much.
So here is to me....to the "rebranding" of both me and my blog.
I will leave you with some of my favorite photos that I was too cranky to share before. Frankly, there isn't enough cuteness on the internet I am going to add some more!
|Miss J in her new purple sparkle skirt|
|My snuggle buddy Biscuit who has been so important during these not so good times-he is the best snuggler ever (shh don't tell the hubby)|
|Miss J working it|
|Master D and I at Busch Gardens in Florida in April|
|My girl riding a Zebra in Florida|
|Master D minus a few teeth|
|Josie's cute face with her new "its so fluffy" friend|
|What can I say its my mini me!|
|I do love my hippos!|
|Just in case I forget-A new favorite saying of mine|