Momma Hunt
There have been a ton of articles and posts recently about Robin Williams death.  A few last night and today have caught my eye.  Last night I read an amazing post by Liz over at Prior Fat Girl  and especially this article that I saw on Facebook this am http://www.tomclempson.com/2014/08/robin-williams-did-not-die-from-suicide/ .  If you haven't read this one yet, its short go read it.

So as soon as I saw the title on Facebook-Robin Williams didn't die of suicide I knew where he was going.  It was going to the place my mind did as soon as I heard the news he died last night.  It was news that was hard for me and my husband to hear.  It was news that was so sad and tragic but we got it.  To most people it is hard to understand Depression.  It is hard to understand how someone who was so funny, who had such a big bubbly personality, a comedian no less, could be Depressed.  Yet in this house we got it.  I heard a few people online talking about the "darkness" of depression.  I think that might be the best way to describe this illness.  Just darkness.  Just like when the sun sets at night that darkness starts out just at the farthest point of the horizon and before long the darkness engulfs the whole sky till the next morning when the sun breaks through.  Sadly for those who battle depression a lot of their life seems like you are waiting for the sun to rise and it never does.

Perhaps I need to be a little less metaphorical here.  As many of you know, if you haven't you will now. Papa Hunt has Depression. The kind that doesn't go away even when you really want it to.  The kind that doesn't care if you have a great job, a house, and the perfect family.  It only goes away with hard fucking work and medication.  When Papa Hunt's depression was it its worse I bet most people never knew.  His co-workers did not know, his students didn't know, his family didn't know, and his friends didn't know.  Why-becuase he and I covered it up.  Depression isn't something that means you are crying and on the floor and incapacitated.  For him it was going to work then coming home and not being able to function. It meant always being tried.  It meant huge mood changes.  Papa Hunt is loving, gentle, calm, and funny.  When his depression has set in-he is a mean asshole who can't get out of bed.  As much as I love him the times when he has been depressed there is no other words that to say he was a asshole.  I knew he was sick but it doesn't stop me from hating the person he was.  It took me (and him) a shitload of therapy to deal with how bad it got around her.

Thankfully he took the time to get help....a lot of hard work, good medicine, and learning how to live with his depression and things are good.  It doesn't mean that he doesn't work every day. It doesn't mean that we don't make sacrifices for that.  He needs a lot of sleep and down time to decompress to handle his stress.  Its hard sometimes.  Certain times things are harder to handle but it is always work.

It is hard to read about a famous man, beloved by so many, who that hard work became too much.  It is easy for us to understand this.  When you live it like my husband or you witness it up close like I have you realize just how this disease can sweep you up and the "darkness" can over take you.

Writing this is hard, reading abut Robin Williams is hard, seeing people's shocked reactions are hard.  Those who are shocked have not known anyone with serious depression-that is why they are shocked.  The people who are not shocked are the ones who know what a beast the "darkness" is.  

Its hard because for a brief moment I allow my head to go to that place that I often don't let it go.....how close was what happened to Robin Williams and his family to my life five years ago? Then reality hits-it was close and always will be.  We just need to make sure that we always work our asses off to keep the lights on in our house and keep the darkness out.


2 Responses
  1. lydia Says:

    Oh wow. I don't have many words except that I hope and pray the "lights" always stay on.


  2. I love your ending sentence! Hugs!


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