So now that it is finally summer I finally feel like I can finally take a breath and look around. I sort of have put my head down and just did the every day stuff. Got up, went to work, took care of my family, went to bed. I honestly did not spend much if anytime taking care of myself or allowing my self to grieve. Of course I have cried-but I would often take a deep breath-push that down, and keep pushing forward. I even began a little side job to keep myself busy (as if i wasn't busy enough already). I did it because if I was busy I wasn't alone with my thoughts or sadness. Lets be honest I knew this wasn't healthy but it was survival. Now that summer has hit I have time...and as much as I really would love to continue to push this sadness away and not acknowledge what is my new reality I can't do that anymore. Its not healthy for me or for my family. I have gained about 15 pounds in the last few months because I am not taking care of myself. I was just pushing pushing pushing.
Well not anymore. I need to deal. I need to start clawing my way back. I was in a good place in the fall before this happened. So those are my goals. Here they are
1. To deal with my shit
2. To run a 10k
So odd these two things may seem but they are sort of one in the same. My goal is to spend time this vacation dealing with all that comes with grief. This is not to say that I am dellusional and think that this will all instantly be better. I just need to take time to grieve and be sad and work through some of this shit. I also need to take care of myself. I think now that I have nothing but time I can start to focus on that a bit more. Which is why I picked goal number two. Running is hard for me....it sucks but in a way it helps me sort out my thoughts. I said once that I am often to busy trying not to die while running that I can't think about all the other crap in my head. So I picked a goal (and this will be a hard one) and registered for a 10K the day before we go back to work. I am scared that I might not make my goal but I go out almost every other day and get one step closer to that goal. Its hard and sucks but you know what sucks...loosing my dad. So running isn't really that hard in comparison.
So I hope to keep you updated on these goals. Do you have any summer goals or hopes?