Get ready for a rambling me dealing with my shit post here. As we are getting closer to my birthday and Josie's birthday at the end of the month I have found myself getting more and more sad. When you are only your birthday is akin to national holiday. Even as I got older and had kids it was really my dad who made a huge effort to make sure my day was special. I feel like the real reality of the loss of my dad is setting in. We have had a shit storm of stuff and my house and my mom has had her fair share at her house. It is not like my dad is the only reason my birthday is special or that if he was alive these bad things wouldn't have happened. It is just that his loss is felt more these days then ever before. Frankly it sucks big balls.
One one of my worst days missing my dad and with my anxiety and stress level at a breaking point with stuff in the house my husband reminded me that my dad would hate that I am this upset. He would hate to know that in ways I am absolutely crippled by my grief. That my sadness takes away a lot of the joyful moments I should be having. That I am sort at a standstill right now. He was the one who told me when my grandmother died to look around and realize that life goes on. Even when we want life to stop because our hearts are broken and we feel our lives are over life really hasn't stopped. Yet for some reason (frankly every reason) I want it to.
I want to be selfish about this. I know I am not the only one who lost him....but in some ways it feels like I did. I am an only child....there are no siblings to feel this loss with me. I sort of feel this odd connection to others who have lost a parent that they were super close to and a sort of disconnect to those who haven't. People think they get it....hell I thought I got this kind of a loss. I didn't.
It is the this odd limbo between wanting to carry on and honor my dads memory and be this strong person for my mom and kids. Then the other part of me wants to sit and cry and yell at everyone that they don't get it and lay around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe there is some medium. A place to be selfish sad and mourn and be pissed that he isn't here and still keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Maybe I will find that some day...until then I will keep doing what I have been. Every night when I walk the dogs for the final time I will look up at the sky say goodnight to my dad and look and see that the moon and the stars are still there and remind myself that life goes on.