So I have been away from this place-my place for a long time. Somtimes that is because I am busy, sometimes its because I don't have much to talk about, sometimes is because I don't know what to say. The last few months have been busy being a mom, taking the kids to activities, and doing all the things that come with being a teacher and a wife. The two year anniversary of my dad's death came and went and although I thought I was ok...I am starting to realize that maybe I wasn't as good as I thought. From Mid October till now with all the holidays are stressful for most people but add to this my navigating these holidays and milestones without my dad is an odd thing. I have found that this holiday season...the third one....has been a lot easier. I was able to handle the ebb and flow of the emotions a bit better but this year more than the others the kids have really been missing my dad which takes on a whole new special kind of hard. What I started to realize a few weeks ago was that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. For me it comes on fixating on things. Silly things. Most often that anxiety comes with worrying over money or questioning myself. What I noticed was it was getting worse. I started worrying about the cracks in the floor-that there was something wrong with our house. I started to obsess over health related stuff. Silly stuff like there was something wrong with that I hadn't gotten my period in months-The normal explanation was that its the pill im on....my brain on anxiety---I am totally pregnant with a miracle baby (I am on the pill for my cycle and Ryan had the snip snip years ago). I question why someone doesn't text....are they mad at me, do they not like me, is our friendship ending. Really reason everyone is busy with their shit!
I hate that I get this way. I hate how I get upset over things that don't need to be upset over. Rather than come up with new things to do or think about....I am stewing over and over again over the same crap. I know this is anxiety. I tried doing a hypnosis for anxiety-that seemed to work but then I stopped doing it. I think I need to try again. I also think I need to begin exercising more....or lets be real at all. I know in theory that these things should help but sometimes I am so exhuasted from work and the kids that all I can do is be a blob. Being that blob has taken its toll. I am not really any where close to my health goals and that makes me sad. I am sad that I allow my brain and this anxiety to get the best of me. I think what I hate the most is that it makes me doubt myself, my healthy, my happiness, and my relationships with others. I am always questioning and worrying and then I wonder why I got so sick right before Christmas. I am stressing myself out for no reason.
I think that my goal for the New Year is going to be try and be more calm in the upcoming weeks. I will try and take better care of myself. I also decided that if this doesn't settle down in the next few weeks that I will probably ask my doctor about it because normally my anxiety isn't this bad for that long. One little step at a time towards health is my goal. What are your goals for the upcoming year?